Today I would like to talk about something that has effected all of the moms I know.... a lost toy! My son lost his DSi over the weekend and he is heartbroken! (so are we). It was taken outside (something he wasn't supposed to do) and played with at a friends house (that he wasn't supposed to be at) and then left out of his bag and on the bumper of the neighbors car. She went to the store with it on the bumper and somewhere along the trip it either fell off or was taken in the parking lot.
BUT, the message I would like to talk about is the fact that he has lost his toy and we have to teach him a lesson. Somehow the fact that he took it out without asking, was at a house he wasn't supposed to be at and taking it out of his bag to lay it around, has lost it's 'sting'. We have been focusing on his response to the loss of the toy, not what he did wrong!
I find that it is hard to break into his heartbreak over loosing his toy to teach him the lesson that needs to be taught. How do I 'make it worse' by impressing upon him that it was wrong for him to do ALL of it?? I feel like I am 'rubbing salt' in the wound if I even bring it up, but I also want him to learn from this mistake so that he doesn't do it again (although he probably will)! Any suggestions??? How have you handles this???
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For today I would like to leave you with this thought;
The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us.
- Francois Marie Arouet Voltaire
I'd think that he must realize it is his fault he lost it. Deep down, he knows. Sometimes losing something you know won't be replaced, is punishment in the truest sense. Maybe when a few days days have passed and he's accepted it, gently talk to him about it and see if he comes to that conclusion. Natural consequences are the best teacher. I agree, double dosing it with parental punishment might not be needed.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your advice, I'll let you know how it turns out!
Deletepossibly sympathizing while informing ....'I know how bad you feel about losing your toy" or "I'm sorry sweetie that you don't have your toy anymore" "I know you feel sad about leaving your toy behind"....but only for sadness, not for whining about wanting a new one!!
ReplyDeletethank you, your comments mean a lot to me. I'll let you know what happens.
DeleteThose lessons are hard to learn. I think the important thing is to not rush out and buy a new toy. Let them ponder their mistakes until the next birthday or Christmas rolls around. Sometimes its a parents job to rub the salt in that would just as a tiny reminder...thankfully they all eventually get over this kind of thing.
ReplyDeleteI agree, it is hard, but who ever said being a parent was easy!! Thanks for the advice and I'll let you know how it turns out!
DeleteAfter the sting has lessened by maybe the week-end could you suggestion that you both sit down and try to figure out a plan that will help him get a replacement and a guarantee that it will not happen again. So for example here is what I would do - Cliff Notes Version
ReplyDeleteCost of Toy - $$$
Allowance or chores that could help pay for new one - $$$
How much you are willing to match funds - $$$$
Amount of time to get new toy with new financial plan (even if you end up paying for most of it) - Number of days to wait
Action Plan to never have it lost again:
1. Create House rules
2. Act amazed that house rules are almost like the last ones
3. What should "we" do differently if we have the same rules and the toy got lost anyway - does son have suggestions for different rules?
4. Outline new rules and create a colorful poster that outlines all actions steps to take before new toy is bought.
PS - I do not have children! But I worked in big corporations and we used to have what were called ECR Meeting (Error, Cause, Removal) whenever someone screwed up (lots of money $$$$$$$$$$$$$ involved). The above is basically the same thing so you are getting your son ready for life and responsibilites and an action plan that may work. Good luck!
Thank you all for your comments and suggestions, I'll let you know what happens - later on!!
ReplyDeleteI can understand his heartbreak at losing his toy, but honestly if he wasn't supposed to do any of the things he did WHILE losing his toy, it's all one big lesson he had to learn.
ReplyDeleteI personally believe the universe gives us lessons we need to learn in little ways and in big ways and this seems to be one of those big lessons!
Maybe meet him halfway and tell him you'll pay for half of a new toy if he pays for the other half? That way you're being sympathetic to his situation without condoning his behavior fully.